So I was a part of this little group of friends this past year. We were all friends throughout high school, but senior year we got really close and became a group of 4. *I have changed their names so they will remain anonymous* It was me, Kelly, Jen, and Angela. We were the best of friends. We did everything together. Every Friday and Saturday we would hang out, plus we got to see each other at school five times a week. My group became a sort of family for me. I could trust them with anything. Which is why whenever I had problems, I turned to them for guidance. I especially turned to Kelly because she could understand some of the things I was going through. Everything in my group was perfect, until about two weeks ago.
I am currently on summer vacation, getting ready to go to college. My friends and I had planned out all these things to do over the summer. We were going to have the best summer ever. Three weeks into summer i realized that we had not hung out so I kept trying to schedule things for us to all do. Every time I scheduled something Kelly and Jen were always busy. And Angela always came up with weird excuses. Then one day I noticed her hanging out with some other people when she told me she was busy. I was confused, but I tried not to think anything of it. But soon Angela could never hang out. Then out of nowhere Jen messages me one day and says that we need to talk. I talked to her wondering what was wrong. Out of nowhere she begins to tell me the whole group was pissed at me and that I had lost them forever. I was so confused. I had no idea what had caused this. She wouldn't tell me why everyone was upset, she just started telling me off. I had no idea what was going on.
The next day I called Kelly to ask her what was going on. She told me she had no idea, which gave me some relief. I thought "oh well maybe just Jen is mad at me for some weird reason." I had also found out in the conversation between me and Jen that Angela was mad at me too. For about a week my closest friends were mad at me, and they wouldn't even tell me why. Finally I talked to Kelly again, who at this point was apparently also mad at me, and she finally explained everything to me. The group was "tired of my shit" and "there is only so much they can take." They were referring to my problems. Any time I had any sort of problem, I would confide in my group. Apparently they couldn't handle me anymore so they decided to completely shut me out of their lives. I couldn't believe it. Kelly also told me that they had felt this way for quite some time.
What kind of friends just give up on another friend? What kind of friends just decide that they don't want to help their friend when she is going through problems? One of the things that bothers me most is the fact that they had a problem with me for months and didn't say anything. There was a complete lack of communication. If they had told me right away that they had a problem with me, I could have worked on it right away. Instead they let it get to a point where they "couldnt take it anymore." And now I had to go through this whole fallout, completely defenseless. I was just attacked by my group out of nowhere. I also am bothered by the fact that they don't even want to try to work this out. They just want me out of their lives.
Something that will always make me upset is the fact that they will never realize how much they hurt me. But here is a question I would like answered, should I even bother trying to gain their friendship back? We were all best friends, and I miss that terribly. Should I wait for them to calm down then try to talk to them? Or should I just forget it since I'm going off to college in about 2 months. I wouldn't even see them for months, but I would still like them back. What should I do?
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Comments (335)
I'm guilty of de-friending someone. Friends can only take so much leaning on the shoulder. Whenever I had a problem my other friend would try to out do my problem with hers. It was exhausting.
I'm not sure that maybe there was more to this friendship you had falling a part, but if was like my situation, friends aren't just counselors, they're for fun times not sob stories.
depending on the problem, if it was something that was constant...then yeah i could understand why it would be tiring.
though i disagree that they should be 'mad' about you about that, rather than just confront you that you're going to them too much whenever they have a problem.
good luck.
though i do feel sorry for your loss of friends, i can relate. sometimes people are TOO needy when it comes to asking for advice and help. you have to learn to make your own decisions for yourself and no constantly ask others. they have their own problems too, and can't always deal with yours. if was the same conflicting issue that you always needed to talk to someone about, that can also get very annoying! i know i have friends that seem too clingy, and seem like they can never do anything for themselves. i would talk to them, tell them you've realized what you've done, and you're willing to change but they mean too much to you. if they're true friends, they'll stick around.
good luck in college!
Man, thats harsh. That was really shitty of those people (i wont even call them friends.. honestly, they're not) to do that to you, even more so that they wouldn't talk to you about it. If it were me, I would talk to them again. But thats me. That is really disrepectful and your friends just dont do that to you.
This sounds stupid, and i would never wish it anyone of course, but this is the best time for this kind of shit to happen. Now your free to find the friends that will really stick around, and not being blinded by the fakeness that you were experienceing.My friends get on all sorts of my nerves quite often, but they're my friends. I accept them for who they are and I would never turn my back on them no matter how "annoying" they may. I'm sure I can be a piss off sometimes too, but we're all in it together.
"Out with the old, in with the new."
Unfortunately, I went through something similar. I tried to get things back to how they were before, but it didn't work.
I guess it depends on your "friends." If you think its something that can be fixed, by all means try. If not, move on. It hurts a lot more to try to be friends with someone and have them reject you again and again. As much as that sucks to hear, sometimes its the best.
Well... sorry to hear it... I'd personally suggest trying to talk to them and tell them to give you a chance... They, too, could change and become mature, and realize that a 'true friend' is not someone with no baggage. Humans need each other, all the more so in times of trouble and deep need. (That tempts me to debunk the myth of the rational, responsible agent, but I will refrain since it's irrelevant...)
The other option is evidently moving on with your life, ignoring them in return, but I would say this is a poor choice. Relationship is an effort and it never does anyone good to make enemies. Besides, as I pointed out before, they, too, can change. If you can somehow bring them around and engrain in their minds that a true friend is not how they are acting.
Thus far, I gave you an advice based on the premise that you were acting rightly the whole time. Revealing your vulnerabilities and personal pain is NOT a fault... unless you were being selfish in your struggles. I have known a lot of people who turn to their close group of friends in times of need but abandoned them afterwards. (I myself have experienced it a few times) Or they focus only on their struggles and shut out and belittle others' plight. Examine yourself and see if you have faults. Be harsh and honest to yourself. And ask your friends if you've done anything concretely wrong to them (specific instances)
Best wishes to you, dear friend. =)
a similar thing happened to me this year with two of my friends after my pet cat died.. i was acting like a ghost and they thought it would be the right time to tell me they were sick of my shit. one of them came crawling back a few weeks later and i decided to be the bigger one and forgive her. the other said some unforgivable stuff to me and told me she didnt want to be close friends just friends. but i told her that friends dont treat friends the way she treated me. got out of that friendship.. and i feel like i made the right decision
@iStephanieMarie - Ohh I had a friend like that a while ago but she would do that with everything. The second you bring something up, she would just interrupt and tell her (probably fake) story. Soo annoying.
i don't understand people who say that it is okay to just give up on a friend like that. especially if you are best friends. best friends means that you are there for eachother no matter what. if they had a problem with you always coming to them about your problems..then they should have told you that..so you could work on it.
i have had friends that called me needy and said they were tired of my shit. we are not friends anymore and I am so happy about that. Because know I have found the most amazing best friends who don't give up on me. We know that if we ever go to eachother with problems and we can't deal with their problems right now because of our own problems..that we can just tell eachother and we will both be understanding about it.
I would not try and get your friendship back with them. yes, you were best friends once but obviously things have changed. they are not real friends who care so don't waste your time. you are going to college soon and your friends in college are going to be so different. You make some of your closest friends in college because you are with them so much and you go through so much. so just hang in there and get ready for college and have a great summmer without them. you don't need them. :)
Wow, I'm the same age as you and going through the same situation, but with one friend instead of three. It's horrible with just one, I can't imagine three. Makes me wonder if this period of time makes people extra tense.
Anyway, what I did with my friend was text her and tell her that despite all the problems we were having, I still love her (like a friend, obviously). She hasn't texted back, but she's not good with things like this, yours might be better.
It was really mean of yours not even to tell you, but maybe you could just tell them all that you'd like to stay friends and that you could try not to tell them about your problems so much. If you don't, I'm guessing you'll regret it, because their response will give you your answer on whether you should try to save the friendship. Good luck!
This totally reminds of some of the stories I read in the book Odd Girl Speaks Out by Rachel Simmons. If your friends get that mad at you for talking about your problems (no matter how much you have), then maybe they aren't your true friends anyway. Sure, this should tell you that you don't have to tell friends ALL of your problems and that maybe you need to work on yourself more, but true friends don't just shut you out like that. You don't need them.
Like another user said, don't even bother trying to win their friendship back. They don't deserve it.
i've gone through a similar thing, although it happened after a year away at college.
i'm not sure what to tell you. only you know what to do about these people. but sometimes it's just better to let go if they're only going to be friends with someone who's happy all the time. people struggle, it's part of human nature. and friends are supposed to be there, to listen, to give advice. excessive complaining can be annoying, but if they couldn't say anything to you before they hit their last straw, that's their problem.
WOW! I would say anyone who waits months to tell you they have a problem, then beats around the bush when it comes to telling you what the problem is... needs to sh!t or get off the pot.
They handled that like a bunch of stupid babies.
I've had friends that have annoyed me because of their problems. Mostly because they do nothing to make their life better. Point is, a lot of them dont change... they've had the same problems for years.
So, I dont expect anything diffrent from them. If its bad enough I do drift away but I dont blow up at them. If people have something to say to you they shouldnt sit on it for forever until they can unleash all kinds of personal hell at you. Thats called "passive aggresive."
I'd dump these friends, make new ones in college... LEARN from the experience. Learn not to be like them, and carefully consider what they said. Take it with a grain of salt...
High school/ college is such a transitional time. Youre growing... I know it hurts when this happens but you have so much to look forward to. Starting life over, going to college, learning new things... you have everything going for you.
Sometimes life makes us stand alone a while. It makes you stronger... have a good cry, then do something really fun. Pamper yourself, and day dream of the future.
in my opinion, they're not worth it. you can always make new friends.
but there's no harm in trying to rekindle your friendship if that what
you want.
That really sucks, and proves that nothing is really forever. I've bounced from group of friends to group of friends (unfortunately), and the reason I left one group for another, just taught me more about myself. I have come to learn that I gossip WAY to much.. so much that it is dangerous because someone else may leak it. Thats what I'm trying to work on and change about myself.
I had a friend that always complained too. I didn't mind listening and giving her advice, however, it reached a point where all she did was talk about herself (the world was rotating solely on her). Take this as a lesson learned I suppose. Also, if you really treasure this friendship, and would be able to be friends again without any awkwardness, you should tell them that you're sorry, that you wished they had told you sooner, and that you'll try to change. Also, that you really love them and appreciate them as friends so you don't want to lose them. Communication is key.
Best of luck with everything.
Wow what shitty friends! I went through something similar in my waning days of high school... had a best friend become weird around me and just ruined things for the whole group and me. Plus for a while that year they stopped inviting me out with them for group functions and get-togethers... mostly because I had work when they wanted to party, and once because I was legitimately in the hospital sick -_- I say 'whatever' to them. You're going away to college soon and that's a whole new chapter in your life. College friends, also, tend to be 10x cooler than any of your high school pals. Trust me.
Obviously they're not the greatest friends since they would disown you like that in a time of need. Friends are suppose to be there for each other and talk to each other when they have a problem. It's messed up that they felt that way and didn't tell you and then avoided you and got mad at you before finally telling you what was wrong. I know you miss them, but it's probably not even worth it. You're going to college in a couple months. You will meet new people and make new friends.Â
if they were so ridiculous as to not tell you when it became a problem and feel like it's okay to just shut you out of their lives, i wouldn't bother getting back with them.
but then again, that's just me questioning how you could really be best friends if they could so severely miscommunicate / be upset that you go to them with your problems. friends are supposed to be there for you, even if you need them to be there too much. and when they think so, they're supposed to tell you, not coward their way out of it. (i'm aware that i just used 'coward' as a verb.)
i had a group of friends that i hung out with all the time / talked to about anything and everything, but i wouldn't have called them my best friends. my best friend is still a guy i barely ever hang out with but saw as much as i could at school & talked to every night. the person i could go to for problems who would never turn me away.
could you trust them again? that's the biggest question, i guess. or would it always be weird. if it were just one person, i'd try to fix things, but this is a group ganging up on you.
and college... maybe just patch things up so you leave on a good note. i'm making sure not to be antagonistic with anyone before i leave in the fall (:
I've been on both sides of "defriending." I had a close friend in high school stop talking to me after a vacation she took with my family. This was years ago and I still don't know why she ended our friendship and it was very painful. I've also ended a friendship because I was watching my best friend go down a dark path. I always try to justify my choice in ending our relationship, but what it boils down to is I wasn't willing to stand by a friend that needed me.
You all are young. Either they'll apologize and you can continue being friends or their pride will get the best of them, and you'll find people that appreciate and respect you more. Even if you all never speak again, try to forgive them because they're just trying to figure things out for themselves. They're putting on their big girl panties and heading out into the real world. This is all part of growing up. Trust me, I think in the next few months, they will deeply regret the choices they've made.
You'll be fine, though. Just keep your chin up.
those are not friends,you dont need that kind of ppl in your life,try making new friends in college i know its not easy,
They're not real friends. A real friend wouldn't have told you "damn you have too many problems, and we're tired of you complaining to us, so just get the fuck over it, we're not your friends anymore" and they were really immature for not telling you why they were mad, and since you're going off to college, just let them go, they're not even worth it. Such assholes.
I think you are leaving a whole lot out of this little story. I don't think you are as innocent as you are letting on. Its likely that you were just a whiny bitch who complained about every little issue. People can only handle so much awkward negativity - no matter how good of a friend they are. It is also YOUR JOB to be a good friend and not kill them with all of your bullshit.
It's sad how you call them "best friends" and at the end, they turn around and say other things. Unfortunately I've been in a similar situation.
Honestly, the way I see it, you should move on. They've made it clear with how they feel about you, and it seems as if they'd rather shut you out for good rather than work things out. Even if if you were to be friends with them again, things would definitely be different and not in a good way.
You mentioned about starting college soon. Use that as your advantage. You will definitely meet new people and make new friends. I can tell you that a lot of people I was friends in high school with, I no longer am friends with them. So don't worry too much.
Good luck!
This made me really sad while reading that. I've never had the "best friends" group before... so it's kind of like a "dream" of mine if you will. So, imagining losing something like that in such a way seems nothing short of unbearable.
I have to ask you though, did you offer them as much support as you were asking of them? Or was it usually you coming to them for problems but never really inquiring if they had problems that you could help them with? If you were, then yes, they're jerks.
However, if you weren't, then there's a possibility that you might have somewhat (unfortunately) deserved what you got. This isn't to say that they should have completely turned on you and stabbed you in the back like that, because that's just evil and karma is going to kick them in the butt for that one day, BUT, if you tended to come to them for you every qualm and complaint, without ever hardly offering to listen to theirs and help them with it, then I can see how that could get tiresome.
I'm not saying that is what you did though... I actually kind of doubt that was the case, but I do advise you reflect a little bit and consider what might have caused this. Were you demanding more than your share?
I went through the same thing. All of the sudden my close friends were ignoring me at the end of senior year and finally confronted me. As of right now we are no longer friends. It's been almost three years. So much time has passed, I dont even care anymore. Why? Because life goes on and you make new friends and all you can do is learn from the past.